People Pleaser. Reflections on pros & cons and my quest to break free

    Being a people pleaser can be both innate and a choice. Innate tendencies can play a role in shaping our behavior and personality traits, including the desire to please others. However, whether or not we continue to be a people pleaser is also influenced by our life experiences and choices. This is something I have always struggled with in my personal and professional life. Ultimately, I know that it's important to find balance between meeting my own needs and desires while also considering the needs and desires of those around me.

    From an early age I had a strong desire to meet the needs and expectations of others, even at the expense of my own needs and desires. I am not certain how it got started, however I became consciously aware by recognizing my fear of rejection or disapproval from others, especially those in a position of power such as my parents or a superior at work. I incorrectly conditioned myself early on in life that my worth and acceptance is tied to my ability to satisfy others, and therefore feel compelled to seek approval and validation from others.

    I am 8 years sober and throughout my recovery I have been curious to understand how I became an addict. Earlier this month I did a DNA test to identify what biomarkers played a role in it. The results will come in shortly, and I will share it in a future blog, however I know that my behavior and choices contributed to becoming an addict. As part of those behaviors, I believe that being a people pleaser played a significant role in my journey to addiction. By being a people pleaser I have suppressed my wishes, emotions and desires to the detriment of my health and self-expression. While it has benefited me in some areas of my personal and professional life, these benefits came at a very high cost – at times devastating – such as detachment and resentment of those close to me and self-medication to suppress emotions.

     In my journey to better understand the consequences of being a people pleaser, I identified some pros & cons that I relate to and that resonates with others.

    Pros that comes at a cost:

• Improved relationships: People pleasers are often perceived as empathetic and caring individuals who prioritize relationships. They are usually better at establishing and maintaining relationships than non-people pleasers since they are skilled at accommodating the needs of others and creating a harmonious environment.
• Increased likability: People pleasers are often perceived as more likable than non-people pleasers. This is because people pleasers tend to be more agreeable and accommodating. In a study conducted by S. Riggio et al. in 2006, it was found that people who displayed agreeable behavior, such as people-pleasing, were perceived as more likable by their peers.
• Reduced conflict: People pleasers are adept at empathizing with others. This allows them to adjust their own behavior to ensure the situation does not escalate. Moreover, they are great at compromising leading both parties involved in a negotiation or dispute to feel as they have achieved something.

    Cons:

• Burnout: People pleasers tend to be highly accommodating, which can lead to burnout. Burnout occurs when individuals become physically, mentally, and/or emotionally exhausted. It can lead to lack of motivation, diminish productivity or indifference from people and things.
• Over-commitment: People pleasers often have difficulty saying no and may overcommit themselves to multiple tasks or events. Somehow people pleasers may believe it is possible to be in more than one place at a time; I often do so when looking at my calendar 😊. Over-commitment can lead to negative impact on quality of life, and may impact their ability to spend time on what is most important to them.
• Personal sacrifice: People pleasers tend to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. This can result in neglecting their own needs and desires, leading to dissatisfaction, health decline and unhappiness. A study conducted by T. Webb et al. in 2013 found that people pleasers reported lower levels of personal satisfaction and higher levels of stress due to sacrificing their own needs.

    While the desire to please others can be seen as a positive trait, excessive people pleasing can have negative consequences. I have dealt with significant consequences, however I recognize that I have the power to break free from this behavior pattern and have intentionally focused on developing assertiveness skills, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care. If you are a people pleaser like me, I hope that the techniques I have been working on can be of assistance to you:

• Set boundaries: Identify your own limits and learn to say "no" when necessary. This will help you avoid overcommitting yourself and feeling stretched too thin.
• Focus on your needs: Start prioritizing your own needs and desires over those of others. It's okay to put yourself first! It is self-love not selfishness…a big mindset shift for me.
• Challenge your beliefs: Reflect on your beliefs and values that drive your people-pleasing behavior. Learn to challenge any irrational or self-limiting beliefs that hold you back.
• Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in activities that recharge you and make you feel good. For me, the most effective practice has been my daily positive affirmations...a game changer so far which has recently been confirmed by a self-assessment. I had done the same self-assessment 9 months ago, and it is amazing to see the correlation and impact that self-care has on my ability to be more effective.
• Seek support: Consider seeking the support of a therapist, counselor or life coach who can help you develop healthier habits and overcome your people-pleasing tendencies. Being courageous to be more vulnerable has contributed to improvement in many areas of my life.  

    I recognize that breaking free from being a people pleaser is a process that takes time and practice. But with patience and commitment, I am developing healthier habits and learning to prioritize my own needs and happiness to achieve a balanced approach…and so can you!